Emotional intelligence | 5 MIN

Are you stuck in the Drama Triangle?

By Christine Pienaar
Are you stuck in the Drama Triangle?

What’s with all the drama?

Do you sometimes struggle with feeling manipulated, controlled, or guilty in your relationships? It can feel overwhelming and like you’re stuck in a constant power struggle.

It doesn’t have to be this way though. There is a way out, but the best place to start is by understanding what is really going on beneath the relational drama. From there you can focus on how to free yourself from these destructive behaviour patterns.

Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle (1966) is a useful tool for unpacking these unhealthy relationship dynamics. It states that there are three “life narratives” or ways of interacting that produce drama. Now when you read ‘drama’, insert your own unhealthy relationship dynamics. It could be conflict, tension, frustration, relational strain, passive aggression, guilt-tripping, the silent treatment…

These are the three narratives or roles and how they play out:

Victim

View of self

I am weak, abused and need saving.

Underlying belief

I don’t have what it takes to fix my problems, someone else must.

Action

Disempowered and needy.

Rescuer

View of self

I have to solve, fix and help others.

Underlying belief

I can fix you and I always know what’s best.

Action

Seek out others to save.

Persecutor

View of self

I must uphold my ideals, values, and convictions.

Underlying belief

I have to appear right and perfect in order to feel safe.

Action

Blame, accuse and judge others.

How can I break free?

Maybe you could identify yourself in one of the roles above. It’s important to note that even if we have one narrative we tend towards, we can all play different roles at different times. The good news though is that you don’t have to stay stuck in these roles. You can stop playing the victim, you don’t have to always solve other people’s problems, and you can let go of having to be right all the time! The Empowerment Dynamic (TED), created by David Emerald and Donna Zajonc (2015) provides the answer to resolving the disempowering dynamics of the Drama Triangle. It unpacks how you can grow from:
  • the Victim into a Creator
  • the Persecutor into a Challenger
  • the Rescuer into a Coach

Creator

New underlying beliefs

  • I am sufficient, whole and complete.
  • I am responsible for choosing my responses to life.
  • I can focus on learning and improving, even when faced with struggles and setbacks.

Guiding growth question

If I had free choice in this matter, what options might I create?

Coach

New underlying beliefs

  • I have faith in the wisdom that lies within.
  • I trust the discovery process.
  • I believe in leaving the power with others as they clarify what they want.

Guiding growth question

What is the opportunity here, and what can I ask to inspire insight?

Challenger

New underlying beliefs

  • Life is about learning and growth – even in the face of “not knowing”.
  • Given that life is ever-changing and uncertain, I rest in the confidence and conviction of my values.
  • I tell the truth about current reality, without blame or judgement.

Guiding growth question

Can I speak my truth in a way that is palatable for others and let go of the outcome of my feedback?

Want to learn more? Start here…

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Soft is Hard: Discovering the importance of developing your power skills

Reference list
    Karpman, S. (1966). Fairy tales and script drama analysis. Transactional Analysis Bulletin, 7(26), 39-43.  Emerald, D. (2015). The Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic). Polaris.